(Not that I need it now, but it's good to have it handy)
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
*NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.
Name ______________ Date of Birth __________ Social Security #___________
Driver’s license # __________ IQ __________ GPA __________
Home Address __________________________________________
Do you have one male and one female parent? If not, explain: ____________________________________________
Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversize tires? _____ A waterbed? _____Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _____ A tattoo? _____
(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?_____________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "Abstinence" mean to you?_____________________________________________
What is your Church affiliation? __________How often do you attend? __________
Best time to interview your Parents? __________Your Preacher? __________ Your Employer? __________Have you ever been fingerprinted? __________Had a DNA sample taken & recorded? __________
Answer the following questions under oath:
The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:_____________________________________________
A Woman’s place is in the:___________________________________________
My greatest fear is:____________________________________________
When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is: _______________________
*Note: If your answer begins with a T or A, discontinue and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety.
CERTIFICATION OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT: I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
SIGNATURE (If you have to ask what this means, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties, and carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back!)